KATIE MARIE

I have been playing this close to the chest lately, as I did not want to say anything until I knew what was going on. Now I know and so I want to discuss it.

When I was in primary school, I was diagnosed with dyslexia. I struggled and put all my issues down to dyslexia. Forgetful, must be dyslexia. Struggle to keep verbal information must be dyslexia. Can’t do one thing at a time, must be dyslexia. Overwhelmed, stressed, and anxious must be dyslexia.

Long story short, after a few discussions with various people, I started working with a clinical psychologist, and it turns out all those issues? Only some were dyslexia. Most of them were combined ADHD.

ADHD

Have you ever seen the Simpsons episode where Mr Burns goes to the doctor and is diagnosed with every disease known to man. The only reason he is not dead yet is because all the diseases are trying to squeeze through a small door all immediately, causing a jam and screaming to be let though.

My brain was/is like that door. For as long as I can remember, my head has been a place of noise and chaos. Everything pushing, shoving, and yelling to be let through all at the same time. It’s stressful, difficult to focus, at least for very long.

That is not even including all the little distractions of life, aka noise. You try concentrating when people around you are talking and your brain is yelling. I just figured it was normal, and I sucked for not being as good at managing it as other people.

I like to think I got pretty good at masking. Not perfect, I admit. Sometimes this has got the better of me and those occasions leading to a spiral of shame, guilt and self-loathing.

There’s a bouncer on the door now.

However, I (very) recently started medication to manage this, and it is a bloody game/life changer.

There is a bouncer at the door now.

All the thoughts and noise are still there but there’s (metaphorically) a big burly bastard in my brain making sure everyone lines up quietly and waits their turn. The feeling of calm and clear-headedness that I experienced the first morning I took Elvanse (lisdexamphetamine) had me close to tears. It was quiet in my head, a feeling I do not remember having before.

I did not feel medicated. There was no fuzziness, no high, no nausea. I felt calm but awake, relaxed but focused.

The only downside is that the meds wear off but then I’m still incrementally increasing my dose so hopefully they’ll last longer.

Why am I talking about this?

I am sharing this for a few reasons, one is to encourage anyone who might have even the slightest suspicion that they have ADHD, get tested (just knowing helped me) and if offered at least try the medication, get your brain a bouncer, seriously it is like inner peace in tablet form.

Second, I would also like to take a moment to emphasise that I have managed without medication for years. I went to university; I have recently started my PhD; I was a legal professional for nearly 10 years and now work in the NHS in Data. I have written books. I have been in a great and very stable relationship for nearly eleven years. I go to the bloody gym and my house is tidy. I am not bragging (well slightly) I am showing that ADHD does not’ stop you being a functional person, it just makes it a fuck ton harder. Don’t be ashamed.

Third, I will not pretend I am not also doing this for myself, mostly as a gigantic VINDICATION to everyone who ever called me lazy, claimed I had no attention to detail and did not take things seriously etc and thus did not deserve to be taken seriously myself.

It’s nice to know that you were wrong.